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Breaking Down Different Types Of Relationships
Alright. Hmm. I guess I don’t know when it all got so complicated.
I mean, besides being in a relationship, I can remember participating in “random hook-ups” in high school and college (in high school that usually equaled kissing, and in college – for me at least – not much more). But essentially, there were only a few basic categories when it came to romantic entanglements: one-time hook-up, friends with benefits, dating, relationship. Now I read there are all these variations for the kids (ahem, adults) today, and damn, it’s confusing.
So I thought it best to research what’s happening these days, and how people are defining the situations in which they find themselves. Thanks to the interwebz, here’s what I can glean is on the market:
Hook up
As “she” notes in Wake Forest University’s newspaper, the meaning of the term ‘hook up’ is tough to pin down:
“When a friend says that she hooked up with a guy last night, the phrase itself insinuates many different things to different people.”
A hook up could mean you kissed some person on the dance floor after a bit of grinding, it could mean you rubbed against somebody in the backseat of a car on the way to a party, or it can mean you headed back to a hotel room with a colleague post-dinner and drinks to get it on. No matter which of these it is, it generally denotes a (supposed) one-time occurrence, often random or with someone not known well, and, let’s face it, rarely happens when sober (though answering an ad requesting late-morning sex in a loft apartment across town may include bold sobriety).
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Friends with benefits/Fuck-Buddies/Hooking-Up
Good old Urban dictionary defines ‘friends with benefits’ as “an agreement between two people who are both friends and physically attracted to one another to have a sexual relationship. Neither party is considered committed to the other, and both can start dating someone else at any time with prior warning. A friends with benefits arrangement is not considered dating, a relationship or even casual dating by most people who use the term.”
Other language used to describe this arrangement include ‘fuck-buddies’ (wiki: A casual relationship is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship) or ‘hooking up’, which often connotes a more long-term sexual relationship than simply saying ‘hook up’ (and apparently, at times, can lead to love).
Dating
Although dating in and of itself seems to imply a certain casualness, similar to ‘hook up’, this one comes with different definitions.
Casual dating: “An interaction between two people who are looking to get to know one another better, without commitments or promises. Either or both parties can be casually dating other people. Casual dating differs from friends with benefits, in that friends with benefits engage in sexual activity together with no commitments to one another other, whereas casual dating may or may not involve sex, but its primary purpose is to determine what kind, if any, relationship will blossom.”
Serious dating: Really, as this Yelp.com conversation about the definition of dating shows, this term can mean pretty much anything, depending on the person. But usually, when a person says “I’m dating [insert here]“, it pretty much means they are only seeing that person, though they may not be ready to commit to calling that person a boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, or significant other.
Exclusive, Committed Relationship
One definition I found put it very simply: “No sticky the wicky in someone else.” It means just what it implies: being committed to one person, not seeing anyone else, usually thinking about being together for a longer, rather than shorter, term. This can include living together, getting married, having kids (though each of those can fall into other categories, such as open relationships).
Open Relationships
I found a nice round-up of the complex nature of open relationships – which are often hard to define – by Kathy Labriola, a Counselor/Nurse. She discusses the primary/secondary, multiple primary partners, and multiple non-primary relationships at CatandDragon.com:
Primary/Secondary: “In this model, the “couple relationship” is considered primary, and any other relationships revolve around the couple. It is most frequently practiced by married people or other couples in long-term relationships. The couple decides that their relationship will have precedence over any outside relationships. The couple lives together and forms the primary family unit, while other relationships receive less time and priority. No outside relationship is allowed to become equal in importance to the primary relationship. The couple makes the rules; secondary lovers have little power over decisions and are not allowed to negotiate for what they want.”
Multiple Primary Partners:
- Polyfidelity Model (closed multi-adult families): “This is a ‘group marriage’ model, essentially the same as being married – except you’re married to more than one person. Usually consisting of three to six adults, all partners live together, share finances, children, and household responsibilities. Depending on the sexual orientation of the members, all adults in the family are sexual partners. This is a closed system, and sex is only allowed between family members – no outside sexual relationships are allowed.”
- Multiple Primary Partners (open model): “In the Multiple Primary Partners Open Model, the individual is the basic unit of the family and is empowered to make his or her own rules and decisions. Partners may choose to live together, or they may choose to live with one or more partners, or live alone if that better suits their needs. This model is open, in that each partner has the right to choose other lovers at any time without the approval of any other partner.”
- Multiple Non-Primary Relationships: “For some people, non-monogamy offers the intimacy, love, and sexual satisfaction of involvement in relationships without the constraints of a primary relationship. This model works best for people who have a serious, all-consuming commitment to something other than relationships; people who are very busy with their work, their art, raising children alone, or political involvements. Usually they prefer relationships with people who, like themselves, want less commitment, or people who already have a primary relationship and are looking for a ‘secondary’ relationship.”
Swinging
Swinging is often thrown under the umbrella of ‘open relationships’, and though it shares some similarities with different parts of ORs, it essentially is its own category. Wiki defines it as:” Swinging or partner swapping (sometimes referred to as the swinging lifestyle or simply the lifestyle) is a non-monogamous behavior, in which partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other people, sometimes referred to as recreational or social sex. Swinging can take place in a number of contexts, ranging from a spontaneous sexual activity at an informal social gathering of friends to a swingers’ club and can involve internet-based introduction services.”
Affair
Though an affair can simply mean a sexual relationship between two people, it often is associated with cheating. This is how Jan Anderson defines it: “Personally, I would define an affair as an ongoing, dishonest relationship with someone other than your partner, which involves intense feelings such as deep affection, love or lust. By dishonest, I mean a relationship that is deliberately kept secret from the regular partner or one that involves deceit, such as lying to your partner about where you’re going, where you’ve been, why you’re late home or why you didn’t come home at all.”
Not something that falls under the type of differentiation of relationships I just went through, but nonetheless an interesting piece of news I found during my research, it seems that Switzerland is proposing to rid their books of laws on incest between parents and consenting adult children. The word “incest” automatically carries an association of both ethical and physical manifestations of wrongness, but it is worth pondering once again, who should define what is “right” or “wrong” for another individual.
I’m sure I missed a few. What types of relationships do you have to add to the list above?